Introduction  – Jill Slaughter

Maru volunteered at Heartcamp. She was not a speaker at the conference.  Our shared experiences were unpacked at the end of the day in an ordinary hotel meeting room. And then Maru stood and unleashed her unvarnished soul. The audience listened in stilled silence. Bravo.

So If Your Reading This – Maru Gonzalez

From the depths of my heart to the tip of my tongue, I reveal my soul, depict (my) reality and narrate stories as I personify my observations. I began writing at age 11 but with the wrong intent! There was a girl in class whom I disliked, and I decided to write a short poem/song about her. It would be my first piece. I never showed it to her, and fortunately, it was the only mean poem I have written… So Pam, if you’re reading this, remember that I was only 11!

On a serious note, I love different forms of expressions, be it through dance, theater, instrumentation, visual art (including photography) and of course writing. Through my poetry, I become conscious of my inadequacies. It’s almost like rediscovering myself; it’s an adventure in my mind. I started writing a poem about this the other day, about what inspires me to write. LOVE inspires me to write – love for all things in life. Knowing that there are people in this world who wish to express themselves yet haven’t tapped into their ability to do so impels me to open up my heart and be sincere about my dreams/fears, and where I’ve been/where I want to be. I’m motivated by personal and foreign emotions and experiences. Actually, sometimes to hear a random word will suffice to spark a chain of unrelated thoughts that then become a 4-minute piece.

At times I write with a specific intent but end with another; other times I am clueless as to where my mind is taking me, yet some how with every circumstance I am able to beautifully portray a story that isn’t necessarily mine. I am beginning to master the art of storytelling, and I love it! Especially when I perform such pieces with an undeniable passion, mesmerizing the audience and compelling them to wonder if I am the subject. Ultimately, to bestow consciousness through my work by way of exposing my soul is my goal.

A single word or line is all it takes to plant a seed in the minds and hearts of a people, and if it takes me one poem everyday to achieve that, then I guess I will be writing until my carpal tunnel symptoms kick in and performing until my voice is only heard in my mind. “They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I know it dwells deep in the heart. That is why…

I want to be beautiful,

The kind of beautiful that needs not be polished.

I want to be acknowledged for my heart

As it travels through the souls of people,

knowing that I’ve left a mark.

To be identified as a wholesome being

Like purity from within and gentleness in my speech,

Healing to the spirit, and pleasing to the mind.

See, I want that kind of beauty where I can easily possess the power

To stimulate the goodness in others

The kind of beauty that leaves their minds in awe.

I want to walk into a room and be sensed through my aura,

Positive energy transmitted from one body to the other.

I want the kind of beauty that lost souls

Feel inclined to open up parts of them

To confide in me.

I want to reach those who weep,

Interact with those who crave,

Challenge those brave enough to leap into the deepest ocean

And mend those broken-hearted people with my contagious giggle.

Through my spoken word, I want to be beautiful,

To be a pure representation of love.

I want to be beautiful.

With a magnitude that reaches other women

Don’t get it twisted though,

I want those of my same gender to just admire my quality,

To feel a sense of trust and inspiration after shaking my hand.

See, I want the kind of beauty that other women seek-

That at my mere presence

They wish to befriend me in hopes of attaining some of my essence-

The kind of beauty that brings about true friendship

Loyalty and respect.

I want to become a positive influence among my sisters,

To lead by example yet remain humble in my ways,

And without the slightest hint of hearsay

I want to be spoken of with delicacy.

I want the kind of beauty

That connects with other women at every level,

In a way that my transparency is apparent and my intentions are clean.

I want the kind of beauty I see in the women I value,

To be construed as a woman of virtue

I want to be beautiful,

The kind of beautiful where I can easily sway a man

By my ways and not my waist.

So he can attempt to look at me from the corner of his eyes

To not lust on my figure but to figure ME out-

The kind of beautiful that speaks in volumes,

In a way that a man will bring up my name amongst other men

With disbelief that my kind exists,

Divulging only particular details about me

For fear that his friends will find me incredibly fascinating-

The kind of beautiful that transforms a man’s approach.

See, I’d like for a man to look forward to what I have to say

As opposed to wonder if we’ll have sex on the first date.

And I want to arouse a man’s audio senses with the tone of my voice,

To intrigue his mind with my choice in word play.

I want the kind of beauty that wont disperse,

Like that inner beauty that can penetrate through my pores

And dazzle a man even in his sleep.

I want a sweet splendor to seep through my soul

And transcend to unseen places,

To be in a man’s innermost thoughts and dreams

Which he keeps in secrecy.

Forever, I want to remain beautiful.

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Twitter: @IamMaru7