Introduction: Jill Slaughter

I have been the wife dismissed as inconsequential at dinner parties. I have been a socially powerless wife. Wives can be made to feel as if they don’t matter.

When I met Helen Youngman, I knew she was the wife, the woman, and the mother that anchored her family. She is the ceaselessly loving person that makes their lives  easier, happier, and better. I knew that if she felt unnoticed in the world, she was noticed and cherished by her devoted husband Ernesto Kunde, their young daughter and son. I knew that while the outside world may sometimes make her feel ordinary, the extraordinary life she creates for her family matters.

Mother with two tiny chairs

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”

— Jimmy Dean

A Husband and Wife

I have often heard the question, “Do you believe in fate or free will?” I believe in a little bit of both. My life and my relationship with my husband are testaments to that mix.

Part I

Ernesto with his work

Who would have thought that a girl raised in New York City would marry a boy who grew up on a farm in a small village in Brazil? Fate put us in each other’s paths and we made it happen. When I met my husband, Ernesto, I had just left an all-consuming job as a program administrator in the central offices of the New York City Department Education. It was the summer, and I was enjoying the summer off before returning to work as a middle school teacher in Brooklyn. A few weeks before the school year started, I went up to visit my father and step-mother who have a summer-house outside of Boston. When I arrived at their house, I noticed a handsome man about my age in their living room. It was Ernesto. He had been living outside of Boston for 3 years, but was recently divorced and was planning to return to Brazil. My father and step-mother, whom he knew from Brazil (she is Brazilian), invited him to live in their house for a few months while they were traveling. Ernesto and I hit it off right away, but Ernesto hesitated saying, “I really like you, but I am living in your father’s house and I have a lot of respect for your father!” As it turned out, my father was supportive of the relationship. The harder challenge came as Ernesto’s and my relationship deepened. We realized that it was getting serious very quickly. We were both hesitant, because he was just coming off a long relationship and marriage. Additionally, we were uncertain how our backgrounds would affect our forming a life together. On paper, we could not have been more different, but as we talked, we came to realize that though our family and childhood backgrounds were vastly different, we shared in common the most important things that matter in life and in a relationship. We have respect for each other, total trust in each other, a commitment to family, and lots of fun together. In 2005, Ernesto moved to New York and we got engaged. We were married in 2006. For each of us, our marriage was a leap of faith, but ultimately one we were willing to take. I still thank fate, chance, luck, or whatever one may call it, for bringing us together, but I give us credit for continuing to work on our growing relationship.

Part II

Prior to meeting Ernesto, I was very serious about my career and it was part of my self-identity. After we got married and moved to Miami, we started a family and Ernesto’s career became the focal point outside the house. Especially in the last two years, his career as an artist has taken off. (To see Ernesto’s work, please visit http://www.kundeart.com/.) When friends ask, “How are you doing?” I usually reply something along the lines of “I’m doing well. Ernesto’s doing this; the kids are doing that…”

Helen and her son

Even when Jill asked me to write this piece, my initial draft was mostly about Ernesto. It turns out that writing about myself has been more difficult than I anticipated, because the focus of my life right now is not on me. The things I do on a daily basis, though necessary, sound banal when I say them out loud. I feel like no one wants to hear about the day-to-day routine of making beds, changing diapers, cleaning the house, doing laundry, going to the market, preparing food, driving the kids, organizing babysitting, etc. I do those things now without even thinking about them. What my days really are about are the small moments with my husband and children: snuggling in the bed in the morning when the kids come in and jump on top of us; smiling inside when my kids make funny-faces at each other and laugh as if no one is watching them; hearing my 3-year-old daughter’s ruminations on life; watching my 23-month old son as he sings his rendition of “Frosty the Snowman” and does a little dance; right now as I am writing, both my kids woke up from their naps and ran to the living room, climbed on my lap and we had a group hug. These are the moments that make my life wonderful, rich, complete.

Of course there are moments when I just need a break or some alone time or time to read. Ernesto and I make a point of spending time alone together. Each month, I also look forward to a night out with the girlfriends in my book club, and every year, I have a weekend reunion with my girlfriends from college, the laughter and positive energy of which sustains me throughout the year. I am lucky to have a husband who supports these “girl getaways” and helps make them possible.

Sometimes people ask me what it is like to be a “stay-at-home” mom or to be the “unsung hero” behind the scenes of my husband’s career. Occasionally, I feel that people who know my professional background ask with a tone that assumes that I must be unfulfilled or that I could be “doing more” with my life. To me, I don’t feel “unsung” or unfulfilled. I am fortunate that I have the choice to stay home. I have the love of my husband and two beautiful, healthy, happy children. I may choose to pursue a career outside the home again when my children are older, but now, as always, I am trying to live my life to the fullest, with joy and purpose and meaning. With a respectful nod to fate or powers that are beyond my control, I am inspired by the words of Henry David Thoreau to: “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined!”

                                                                                                                      Helen Youngman

Mothers are pivotal to the way a family functions. On New Years Day Park Ranger Margaret Anderson was fatally shot by an Iraq war veteran at Mount Rainier National Park in Washington. The 34-year-old wife and mother of two young daughters was simply doing her job on an unusually warm winter day when her life was abruptly terminated.

Officer Margaret Anderson had the same name as the fictional wife on the 1950’s television show Father Knows Best. The show’s depiction of idealized American family life was a glimpse into something that could not have ever been real.

While families are neither perfect nor ideal they are immeasurably valuable. Family life serves as the template for how we walk in the world. Officer Anderson’s children and husband will walk without her now. Their lives will be forever changed. She will be missed. She will always be loved.

Rest in peace.                              

Donate to officer fund – http://www.odmp.org/officer/reflections/21076-park-ranger-margaret-anderson/200

Heartcamp Conference – I will be speaking about Parental Alienation on February 4th. http://heartcamp.org 

The first in a series unfolding my family’s story of alienation.  http://rawcandor.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/just-in-case/

Reading Raw at the DBA exhibition on January 25. http://www.artistsdoingbusinessas.com/

Would love to read your Raw. Please send submissions to jill@rawcandor.com – 1000 words or less about the thing that has saturated your soul, stained your heart. 4-5 j-pegs of images , (include yourself, in order) that relate to the post, and a link of something you’re working on.